Headhunters: The Elite Eleven
Introduction The Fantasy Gods do not discriminate when it comes to cutting teams that start bye weeks and injured players. In the case of our eliminated friend this week, he claims that he was driving when Hollywood Brown was ruled out. I was up taking my usual Sunday morning sit around 5am and saw Schefty tweeting that it was looking like a no-go for Hollywood, so I guess Jared started driving before sunrise and didn't stop until kickoff? It doesn't matter. The Gods do not care for excuses. You start injured players, ya goin' home. In Memorium: Wrath of Saquon First off, I'd like to thank Wrath of Saquon (who I will call by his other team name, momma, because it comes more naturally to me). I'd like to thank momma for doing so poorly that they were eliminated by the 4pm games on Sunday. It allowed me to get a head start on this writeup. Momma likely had the win in their grasp, but played it safe by benching Hunter Henry and went with Jared Cook for the second week instead. He must have felt some sort of connection, what with them sharing the same name and propensity for underachieving in fantasy. Speaking as Jared Cook's old owner, I can honestly say I'm a little annoyed that Cook scored over 13 for two straight weeks after failing to break 6.10 in September. I guess some guys just don't want to play for winners. I might scoop him up again on the cheap just to jinx his ass. Anyway, I digress. Hunter Henry balled out so it was the wrong decision. Mostly, it was a perfect storm of miscues and injury for momma. I think that's likely what it takes to be eliminated in the first half of the season here. Earlier this year it was the bad bid on Jordan Reed, then losing Barkley, then his QB situation was awful and he ended up with Andy Dalton with his life on the line. And yeah, starting Hollywood Brown didn't help. Momma had over $650 remaining in his budget and opted not to place any bids after a strong week five performance, a decision that will likely haunt him until 2020. The trend of team names proving eerily prescent continues, as Wrath of Saquon was done in by Saquon's injury. If this continues, Henry VIII won't be making it past week 8. I'm only mildly nervous. Wrath of Saquon: New Releases There is something for everybody this week, including a coveted runningback that is 100% going to bankrupt someone. #Saquon Barkley #Robert Woods #Hunter Henry #Hollywood Brown #Phillip Lindsay Week Six Bidding Results Bid Bullets: *Word on the streets is that Bad Boys had a winning bid in for DeAndre Hopkins but they placed it when they had an open roster spot. Then they went and picked up some shitty player and didn't realize it, so their bid voided. I'd have put my money on Bad Boys being the one to blow it all on Barkley this week if I believed that he could figure out how waivers work. *Some narrow wins this week. Chris P won Hopkins by a single dollar over Guilloteam, who has yet to figure out the fantasy bidding strategy of not bidding multiples of 5. Then Chris P turned around and lost on Mark Andrews by $2 to Cam Shaft. *Instead it's Chris P with the top two WR's in this year's draft, though when Adams is getting back on the field remains to be seen. **Cam Shaft has sneaky assembled an insane team, by the way. *The Guilloteam has now won three $200 bids. *Bobecue Chicken has nickel and dimed his way to week seven. He's spent half his budget but I can't tell you what exactly he's got to show for his money. Gerald Everett for $44? Your Financial Portfolio *Best Investor: Al Snow's Fav Squad (and that scares the hell out of me) *Worst Investor: Chris P's Neat Team Week Six Results * Biggest Climber: Bad Boys (up 9 spots) * Biggest Faller: Wrath of Saquon (down 6 spots) Narrow Defeats Margin of Defeat for Last Place Teams: Kings of the Castle #Al Snow's Fav Squad - How could it be anybody else? Top three in scoring and still $905 left to spend on whichever stud his evil heart desires. HOWEVAH (Stephen A. Smith voice) the man is vulnerable this week with McCaffrey on the bye. If he loses out on the Barkley sweepstakes this could be our moment to strike him down. # Chris P's Neat Team - I'm starting to wonder if the star that burns the brightest burns the shortest with this team. They invested a lot in two WR's, which is the easiest position to roster. That leaves them with very little room for improvement on the other skill positions as it gets down to an eight and six team league. Will Ingram, Mack, and Conner be enough in a showdown of five teams, if they make it that far? Time will tell. # Cam Shaft - Put aside the fact that they've spent most of their budget. Russ Wilson, Chris Godwin, Mark Andrews, and Julian Edelman is a good a diversified haul for his money. But still, there is the fact that at some point rosters are going to have five first round picks starting for them. So what will happen then? For now, this team is on a tear. #The Guilloteam - Gets Allen "Mrs." Robinson and Josh Shake-and-Jacobs back this week and managed just fine without their key players last week so no concern in week seven. They simply do not have a roster capable of scoring in the 100-130 range right now. They're top five. #Henry VIII - Had their shot at a 200-point game but opted to bench their MNF player with the week secure. Now they will need to navigate the murky QB waters to try and shore up the disaster that is Jameis Winston. Who Knows, Hard to Say #Neck-Fix and Chill - They're out of money but they scored 216 last week. I'm not sure how long they can ride with Jason Witten as their TE1 and a WR tandem of Will Fuller and Calvin Ridley, but at this point I'm so fucking perplexed by the will of the Fantasy Gods that maybe it's possible? On the Chopping Block #Bluedevils - What is going to happen if Mahomes can't score 70 every week due to his nagging ankle injury? This could be a big bidding week for Bluedevils as they desperately need some relief at RB and WR. Byron Pringle lurks on the bench as a possible starter, which is never a good sign. And this team is also rostering Marcus Mariota, who the Titans don't even want on their team anymore. #Bobecue Chicken - Every week I look to see if it's finally the Cardinals bye week and NOPE. Still not. I can't believe they're still starting half the Arizona roster and winning! But the truth is the air-raid is coming together, and Chicken is reaping the benefits. Big TE issue, so Hunter Henry might be an appealing reach option for BBQ this week. #Kupp for Your Cobb - It was closer than they would have liked, as outside of Lamar Jackson you had next to nothing going on. I say "next to" because Tyreek Hill finally came back from injury, proving himself to be a worthy investment. But JuJu is so fucking bad, you guys. So bad. And Cooper Kupp shockingly disappointed with a season-low six targets. It's promising that they survived on a very down week. #Bad Boys - Another team that could really use Hunter Henry, I don't understand how they consistently under-perform with guys like Julio Jones and Deshaun Watson. They get AJ Green back, so their WR corp looks good. But Dawson Knox isn't a sustainable TE start. #DogTheKareemHunter - I'm nervous for this squad. They really need Gurley and Singletary at near 100% this week or else it could be the end of the dog leash for Kareem. Average Scores of Eliminated Teams Remaining Budget Bye Weeks *Carolina Panthers *Cleveland Browns *Pittsburgh Steelers *Tampa Bay Buccaneers Easily the toughest week of byes to navigate yet. Heavy hitters hitting the hay for a week of rest. McCaffrey, Chubb, Conner. Moore, Odell, Juju (yuck), Chris the Gawd win. Good luck everybody just kidding fuck you. Happy bidding!